Honesty, mission, and the reflections thereof Unknown

I was searching through my blog for a particular post I remembered while attempting to write a personal mission statement. In doing so, other old posts popped up, and I was amused at the random things I so easily shared with others.

Then I came across this post about being honestly broken.

And two things came to mind.

1. Wow, not bad, I can write! (Yes, yes, self-praise, but this is me reading something written 6 years ago, which time I don't remember having anything worthy to say)
2. Where has that spark gone?

Yes, where has that spark gone? I still write - I'm a fulltime writer and editor! - but I find myself struggling with articulation much more than before. So I have actually been wondering what the deal is.

This is what I hope September to be - the month of rediscovering that spark. That's why I was nosing around with that idea of a personal mission statement in the first place!

So... I guess this rediscovery of old posts is confirmation that I'm on the right track?

When a Waterfall Taught Me a Lesson Unknown

I wanted to post this few weeks ago, but ended up thinking it trifling. But now as I reread it today, it doesn't seem so bad. Here's hoping you think so, too.


I was part of a conversation about recent negative current events happening one after another. Someone in the group commented,

"When it rains, it falls."

Okay, yes, the correct version states pours, not falls. At that moment, though, that unintended mistake resonated with me better than the correct one.

The month of July and August was a whirlwind of events. While there were the good times, such as my husband coming home, a wedding, and festive celebrations, there were also the tough moments. There were deaths, serious prayer needs, the usual deluge of work, and the agonizing wait for my husband's return which got delayed over and over again. Let's not forget the downing of flight MH17, the threat of the Islamic State, and the ongoing Israel-Gaza conflict. I'm a person given to worry and dejection, so though the list above seems trivial now, it sure didn't feel that way then.

Through this time, there was one lesson God taught me, that's made me deal with worry better. Instead of boring you with a how-to, allow me to describe it through something I did in July.

Water abseiling. Like this:

That's a 9-year-old girl and her mom abseiling!

I’ve done indoor rock climbing a few times, so scaling down a wall wasn’t something new. So I was pretty confident that I'd do "well" in this activity. Nerd as I am, I was careful to observe the guide's demonstration of the right techniques.

"Use the left hand to slowly release the rope. Lock the right hand, also holding the rope, behind your back to stop the slide. And make sure your body is positioned like an 'L' against the rock - keep your legs straight."

Hmm... Looks easy enough.

When it was our group’s turn, I volunteered to be first. That’s one of my tendencies – jumping into something before counting the cost.

I mean, How hard can it be? I had a strategy – Get the techniques right, and you'll be fine.

Yeah, right.

As soon as I got over the edge, I was terrified. Terrified of losing my footing, even though if I did, the guides would support me with the extra safety rope. Then I started thinking about the distance below, (which wasn't very far down, but when your mind starts imagining…) and my mild fear of heights crept in. Then I began to feel the pressure of the water rushing down like a bunch of kids snapping a stream of rubberbands towards me.

But I was determined to make it through without failing. So I focused on the techniques. My legs were so straight, I’m pretty sure someone could have used me as a rule to measure the degree of the waterfall. It didn't seem to work, though, because my feet kept slipping. The techniques were becoming strenuous, and my arms started to burn.

Halfway through, I was ready to give up, and almost released the rope. Then self-preservation kicked in. So I clung on and somehow found my way to the bottom. As soon as the guide held my rope, I stumbled free with relief, walking into the sun to chase away the chills and humiliation.

Watching my friend's attempt, I reflected on mine and wondered where I could have done better. Honestly, I was annoyed and disappointed with myself. How could I be so weak? What was I doing wrong that I kept slipping?

We're allowed to abseil as many times as wished. So, resolving to do better, I made my way back up. Soon it was my turn again, although this time I was much more hesitant.

Then I realized the truth in the early part of the second attempt.

I was focusing on the wrong things! I focused on the techniques, the torrents of the water, and the threat of the drop. More importantly, I was focusing on myself and not making a fool of myself.

I didn’t think of one thing: The Rock.

What a difference it was after that! I loosened up, taking my mind off the height and the waterfall. Even though I took care to perform correctly, I was able to relax more, being easier on the placement of my feet, so long as they are firmly planted on the rock. Yes, I still was mindful of the techniques and was aware of the water whips and burning arms, but this time I remembered that in all this there is one thing that is constant, immovable and firm - The rock wall. Knowing that the rock wall won't be running away gave me the assurance that all will be well in spite of my mistakes and fears.

I finished that round triumphant, yet humbled that a "simple" correction could teach so much.

It seems ironic that letting go gives more security. But it’s because my focus was on the right place. It’s like when Peter walked on water; when he looked at the storm, his faith gave way. All he had needed to do was look to the Rock. Matthew 7:24-27 also has deeper meaning for me now.

So this is one lesson I’ve learned lately, and one I’ve called to remembrance often on those days when the murky negative emotions threaten to push me down.

Twenty-six to One Unknown

“The way to do a great deal is to keep on doing a little. The way to do nothing at all is to be continually resolving that you will do everything.” – Spurgeon

Last week, I met up with a few friends. Over scoops of delicious durian, hazelnut and teh tarik ice-cream (not all together) we got to sharing how “growing up” has changed our priorities. Eventually, four pairs of eyes were looking eagerly at me as they asked, “How about you? How has marriage changed your priorities?”

I stumbled through an answer – a decent one, I’d add, which had everyone nodding in agreement and understanding. But as it is with me, I felt like I didn’t explain myself as well as I would on paper. So here I am, sharing the longer version of my changed priorities.

It started with birthdays: my birthdays.  

When I was turning 25, I felt accomplished. Teenage-hood, high school, college, and the first day of work all behind me, I thought, “Yes, I’m officially an adult!” But when 26 neared, I became disheartened to see so little of my youthful aspirations fulfilled. Have I really done so little? Have I only this much to show?

It’s not that I’ve been bumming around all this time. I was doing much, actually – planning camps, volunteering, serving in worship teams, teaching, chauffeuring, working, studying, and fulfilling the many miscellaneous. But all has blurred together into one big memory, with little recollection of the significance behind those things.

I don’t assume this to be a bad experience for everyone. But for me, it is a sign of my weakness. As a person who struggles with saying, “No,” I constantly found myself in the same predicament: doing 101 things in a 1,000 directions. It’s in being helpful that I find my worth, because people need me. It’s nice that people need me and think me capable.

But in pleasing people, I’ve often neglected the real things that matter – seeking God, praying for His kingdom to come, building relationships, resting. “I’ve been busy” becomes the go-to phrase. I’ve been answering everyone’s call but God’s.

So how has marriage help change this?

Marriage is God’s gift to me in more ways than one, but I'll just focus on one. Because of marriage, I’ve had to narrow my commitments significantly since the beginning of this year. It was the push that I needed, to stop being the headless chicken.

It’s okay to lose out

Because of the volatile nature of my husband’s work, my career options are limited.

“Wait, I don’t understand. Can’t you still pursue your career?”

Yes, I can. My husband supports me in whatever I want to do, actually. But that’s the thing. As fulfilling as working or serving fulltime might be to me, it will not be fulfilling to our marriage. We spend months apart already; when he comes back, I don't wish to waste our time on other pursuits, just because I'm afraid of losing out. I’m not saying that I can’t do anything at all. What I’m saying is that I have to be wise with what I say “Yes” to.

It’s okay that you’re replaceable

Those roles that I was afraid of letting go because I didn’t think there’d be anyone to take over? Well, I'm wrong. There are so many capable persons out there, more capable than I ever can be. I am not irreplaceable. I’m not the Saviour. In the end, there are only the few who truly need me, and these are those who need my all.

It’s okay to simply be

Oftentimes this year, it appears that I’m doing nothing. And, yes, sometimes, I get really restless because I haven't been "useful". But when I properly reflect on the first half of the year, I realize there’s nothing I want to change. Spending time with family, sorting my life out (It’s amazing what one accumulates over years of scattered-ness), and settling into marriage – as “slow” as these pursuits are, I’ve loved every minute of it. I’m happier and healthier than I’ve been in a long while.

So this is what marriage has done to me. It's made me understand the meaning of redeeming time. It's given me the rest to settle the fizzed mind I didn't even know I had. It's provided the space to finally pursue the dreams that's always been on my heart. It's taught me the lesson of having faith by letting go.

Of Chocolate Bunnies Unknown

So I’m actually in Australia visiting family. I’ve come here so often, and have been enjoying my stay so much that I almost forgot to record this trip. Since travel is one of the topics I plan on covering here, I need to learn to observe more intentionally.

One thing I’ve noticed on this particular trip is the Easter festivities. This is the first time I’ve seen so many chocolate rabbits - ever. Rabbits, eggs, hot cross buns, and children running around in Easter-themed paper hats and bunny ear headbands – it’s all a new experience.

At first, in spite of my love for chocolate, all the hype bemused me. Do we really need all those bunnies? But then I realize that my reaction is because of the state back home, of how much we in Malaysia don’t celebrate Easter. It seems that for a supposedly major festival for Christianity, we don’t do much about it.

But do we really?

Today, I’m grateful that we are less impacted by the commercialism of Easter, so that society, especially children, are not clouded by chocolate but instead given more room to learn about Jesus at Calvary.

And I'm grateful for this very wake-up call, because more often than not we don't see the blessing and opportunity right in front of us.

Here's to sharing the good news more than sharing chocolate.

the procrastinated reflection Unknown

If there's only one thing I'm good at, it's procrastination. And that is not a good thing.

This year, though, I'm gonna work on that. So far it hasn't been easy. In a nutshell, God's revealed an unhealthy sense of fear that I didn't realize resided in me. Fear of failing, fear of pursuing the "wrong" thing, fear for lack of knowledge, fear of break-ins, fear of losing people -  to name a few.

It's the kind of fear that's subliminal and utterly nonsensical, but cripples. Yet God is good. One day 2 Timothy 1:7 just popped into my head.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

And that was the beginning of another revolutionary growth in Him. It's a very slow journey - I have to consciously deal with moments of doubt - but it's also a sure one.

The reason why I brought this topic up is the gut feeling that amazing things are in store for 2013. I just have to be unafraid of the plans God has lined up. I just have to be more intentional in life. Not too much of the phelgmatic lah, you know.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28)

This year, fear will have no hold on me, except the fear of God. Here's to an awesome year ahead!

:)

unfinished business Unknown

It's back to the usual posts. :)

I've been staring at this page for a while, and was about to leave this draft hanging for another day when I realized the irony of that act.

Because, you see, it occurred to me that I have started more things than I have finished them. I could even win the award for Most Unfinished Projects. *applause*

One need not go far for examples. I didn't finish the 30-day blogging project, nor did I get round to writing the last part to the character study on Hannah.

There are other things. I'm actually afraid to list them. But let's just say that the latest chapter of spring-cleaning (now that's one that simply never ends!) told of great and varied dreams never fully realized.

I guess the fact that I'm in my final semester adds to this contemplation. Come to think of it, so does the Olympics. To think of those athletes giving their all just to reach the finishing line. What commitment and discipline that entails!

Now I don't want you to get that I have never finished anything. The major stuff I stick to. I mean, driving for two hours to get home when I really want to sleep is no mean feat.

But back to the main point.

I have decided that by the end of the year, not only do I want to finish school, but I also aim to wrap up several of the projects.

And I think I can start with...

still I will say... Unknown

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

I'm so tired. I'm tired of never-ending assignments, of finding that one duty leads to another, of being confused by people issues, of finding that no matter how productive I try to be, how early I wake up and how late I try to stay up -- there is always something else requiring attention. And now my hands are paining from the load I've put on them and all my assignments are word-based.

I've already lessened my workload and still this happens.

Seriously, I've been wanting to give up. I've been wanting to scream and gripe about the woes that befall me.

Then the speaker at CF last week said something. He sensed that a lot of us were tired, and he said, "It's when you're tired that you must press on, you must persevere. For real love never gives up."

Well, he was talking about love, which at first thought doesn't relate. But if you think about God's kind of love, it makes sense. Love for the people asking for help. Love for God and for making sure all things honor Him. And if I give up, what would that say about my God? That He's such a defeatist? Forbid it!

And so I'm trying. I'm trying to count my blessings. I'm trying to not let the trials, little be they, eat at me. I try to continually focus on God that He'll be my strength. I remember Eunice mentioning how the more physically spent she was, the stronger she was spiritually, and am encouraged by that.

Oh that I would get there! That I would cling to His words, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor 12:9)!

And as I make it step by step, I've witnessed mini victories and mini miracles. And it's these little things that encourage me and remind me to say, "Lord, I will praise You regardless. Blessed are You, Lord."

Amen

no es muy fácil Unknown

And here comes another post with a list. Only that this is the list I've been promising but haven't published.

It's my 2012 resolution list.

I know, I know it's like... May already. But bear in mind that I've already been working on them. :)

And the resolutions, in no particular order, are...

• Read through the whole Bible
• Continue to keep fit through dancing, running, and swimming
• Don't let my Spanish learning die...
• Practice my Malay more
• Get organized and neat (I fear I've somehow become quite the absent-minded slob)
• Find direction for life after studies
• Finish my undergraduate program with dignity
• Grow as a woman in grace, truth, and commitment
• Love people 
• Seek God

I think the last two are constant reminders that will be there for every year.

So that's it. Tell me what you think. :)

love and a slice of cake Unknown

A friend is working on a project and has been asking for personal thoughts and stories on the expressions of love. So this is what I "scribbled" out when I needed a respite in the middle of a lecture.

Love is a many-splendored thing. That's an oft-quoted quote bordering on cliche. But it's so true. Because the more I learn of love, the more I realize it's more colorful than a rainbow, more multi-faceted than a diamond, more fluid than water, more sustainable than food. And because of the beautiful intricacies of love, it means and is expressed different ways to different people.

One way I see love expressed is in a good conversation over a scrumptious slice of cake and a steaming cup of coffee. But it's not in the talking that I see it (nor is it in the food). It's in the listening. By that, I don't mean the polite lending of an ear, but a complete engagement of mind and heart to focus on the other. If a person listens to you, it means that he or she is willing to set aside his/her time, opinions, and personal troubles for yours. Listening is a quiet but powerful way to express self-sacrificial love.

The second expression I treasure is physical affections. I grew up in a home filled with many hugs and many more kisses. Again, it's a quiet but powerful expression. I'm an introvert, and there are many times when I struggle with sharing what's really on my heart. Sometimes, I myself don't understand what's going on inside. Nonetheless I can get lonely, and long for that simple assurance that someone is there for me. So a home-scented hug, a cuddle, a squeeze of the hand, a happy peck on the cheek gives me enough of that assurance, of a sense of solidarity with others.

I will always welcome a hug and appreciate the person willing to listen to me as I struggle with verbatim. And I do forget periodically, but I try to express my care in the same way. But these aren't the only ways of expression, of course. They're just two little colors, two facets, two streams, or two ingredients of that many-splendored thing called love.

the radical idea of not knowing Unknown

I don't know if it's the same for all perfectionists, but I take a long time to decide or do something. Wanna know why? Because I have the need to be 100% certain, to know what the next step will be before I commit.

This blog has been dead because I didn't know and still don't know. I don't know what to write. How to start. If thus-and-thus should be included or mentioned. What's the purpose anyway?

But then I realize... When will I ever fully know?

So I restart this blog with questions and no answers.

impatience Unknown

Can someone tell my baby brother to come out already?!

but wait Unknown

And then you thank God for technology and people who invented them (thank you, Steve Jobs) because then you get to witness a moment live as if you were there. It's not the same as actually being there, but it sure alleviates the longings of home.

My beautiful cousin about to toss the bouquet.

it rains Unknown

It's just one of those days.

You wake up to a thunderstorm that's been raging on all night. At first you think, "Ah, this is a refreshing change from the heat and sun!" And then as the day passes, the rain doesn't. The wind and water blows just as steadily now as it did this morning. And you're stuck in your little room, which you don't usually mind doing. But today, it's just too much to be stuck at the desk doing homework for hours long. You go out to eat, only to think about the books waiting at home.

And then you think about home. You think about how all your noisy cousins and nosy aunts and hungry uncles are gathered for a big occasion called a wedding - the first in your generation - and you think about how you're not there. Then you go to Facebook and scroll through pictures of your other family doing the same ol' ridiculous things like sleeping in the library and forcing someone to do things he or she doesn't want to do (but  is secretly happy to oblige)  and pretending to study. And you think, "What am I doing here, trying to describe my very exciting daily schedule in Spanish?"

It's just one of those days.

to live Unknown

I have 90 days left in Miami.

What would you do if you had 90 days left?

What would I do? Where do I start?

day 2 - something that inspires you Unknown

Just a note, I have no chatbox because I keep getting spammers. >:(

Okay, inspiration. Two things came to mind.


1. Nature - Nature is always inspiring. But recently, it's particularly birds. I'm so fascinated by their absolute lack of worry. They greet the day singing, and freely flit from tree to tree, shelter to shelter.  I watch how they come to our makaturi trees everyday to eat the little seeds, and one particular bird stops at our nona plant everyday to see if any fruit has ripened. One magpie steals our turtle's pellets. They have to fly out for food, but they do it with certainty - there's food somewhere out there. Then they fly around somemore, and go dating, and make nests to keep shiny objects. It's almost like they're taking it for granted... or having faith that Someone out there is watching over them. How true when Jesus says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"


I worry a lot. So the birds really inspire me to live with simple faith. That when I wake up, I won't sigh at the day's to-do list, but to smile and sing at what joy the day will hold.

2. Dancers - I always get inspired when I watch dancers. They make it look so easy, but I know how much practice and technique training would be needed to be that good. I marvel at the level of commitment they put into it. I love dance, but I get so lazy at the thought of all that work. Or there's always something that needs to be done and hence makes me forgo this interest of mine. Recently, I've been thinking that I shouldn't let this interest fade away before I get too creaky or stiff. So yeah, here's to hoping that I'll pick it up again, and pick it up proper. =D

sands of time Unknown

 So teach us to number our days,

That we may gain a heart of wisdom.

Psalm 90:12

When families have lost homes, Earth's axis has shifted, and the world is gripped with fear of a nuclear explosion and another earthquake, a lot of things are revealed to be temporal.

And here I am stressing over assignments and what to wear tomorrow. Of what eternal worth are these?

10 ways to be marriable, part 2 Unknown

Dear readers -- well, whoever still remains,

I wrote this little more than a month ago, but never published it. Because I didn't think it was perfect. But reading it again, I think there's something worth telling. So here it is... with some additions.

Three weeks ago, my uncle died of a heart attack. My family were busy with the wake when three days' later, my grandfather passed away instead.

To say that the past few weeks have been an emotional time for us would rather be an understatement. It's a story of loss, but it is also a story of forgiveness and the triumph of love. Although it has been three weeks, what happened is still very raw to our hearts.

You may count it strange that I combine this incident with the continuation of my take on a particular Boundless article. But it just so happens that one lesson I learned relates to the next point about living life to its fullest.

2. Initiative

It is always when death occurs that the brevity of life stands out starkly. And when it does, we're shaken to remember to make the most out of it, down to the little 'non-important' stuff.

Being a dreamer, I struggle with living in the now, because I'm always waiting for that moment in the future, that season when everything is perfect and falls into place perfectly. So I look constantly ahead, with not much thought about today.

It's kind of like if I drive for two hours focused on reaching KL awake and thus alive, but forgetting that to reach safely I need to stay within the speed limit and not dig into the glove compartment for some random CD.

For the record I don't do that. But I digress.

So this is initiative - To even get to the aim, we need to start with the small steps - to put dreams into action.

It dawned on me that there can be purpose in "real time living". So often I ask about purposes in events and projects. The rest are like means to an end. But, really, the journey is equally as important.

It is not just living for a purpose, but living with a purpose.

And in treasuring the moment, there really is no need for carrying burdens and bitterness. For what can we do with it eventually? And what's the point of holding back love?

Naked we came, naked we will go. There is nothing physical we can carry forward - no riches, no clothes - not even our own physical body. What we can carry are only the things that are of the eternal.

All of us will have to die one day. Life is really but a breath of air. The question is: What are we going to make out of the time we have between birth and death?

When I breathe my last, I don't want to be plagued by unfulfilled wishes.
When I breathe my last, I want to say as William Hung said.

"I already gave my best. I have no regrets at all."

giving myself room to feel Unknown

God is funny. His surprises come out of nowhere, yet hit at the most ironic moments.

For one month, I was walking on a tightrope with a burden on my shoulders. It wasn't just my to-do list that never seemed to end. Inside I was in turmoil, persevering through the day while fighting off fear, worry, anxiety. Who knows what triggered it. I just was.

Yet I knew that God wanted me to focus on Him. It is during the busiest and craziest times that I need to draw closer to Christ, to press through the dark clouds and obstacles just so I can maintain my line of sight of Him.

By some miracle I did it. God gave me enough time to be with Him, as well as to finish my tasks. It's really a case of "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you".

So here I was towards the end of August, physically and spiritually spent, no will to do anything more. And then only could I truly feel the flooding of His joy, His peace - oh that which I've been longing for!

It is at this juncture of refreshed peace and joy that God's sense of humor comes in.

For two years I walked with timidity and much apprehension in one area I wondered if I could ever open myself up to again. It's that one area I constantly struggle with. Then out of the blue, when I was far from hopeful in this, God surprises me - at the most unusual time and least expected place. And for once in a long time my response is far from apprehension, but excitement!

The devotional Our Daily Bread said, "Whether we react to life with faith or fear depends on our focus." And I think that describes me now. The future is far from being any more clearer to me. But I realize that from this month of learning and growing, my focus is back on Jesus. And because my focus is realigned, I can respond in faith, knowing He'll guide me step by step and that things will come in the right time.

So pardon me if a smile is plastered on my face. I can't help laughing about God's big little surprises. =)

tick-tock Unknown

Time.

Where has it gone?

It's like running on a treadmill at a high speed... and suddenly stopping the machine. Who knows how far I can fly and how hard I'll fall?

I've no choice but to keep running to catch up with the clock. At least for this week.

Wake me up when September's here.

to celebrate a life Unknown

the dawn breaks.
where are the trees? I see cars.
where are the birds? I hear roars.
where are the living? hiding inside.
where is life?

then I hear cries,
the cry of joy,
the cry of sadness.

sadness - tears be ashamed,
as colors of the rainbow
watch him fade away.
shovels work, earth crumbles.
tears, remember
his eyes. his wit. his dramatic pauses,
now but memories
but memories of a life
breathed, shared, dreamed.

oh dreams! that which we call hope
then remember I the tears of joy
he waited. she waited.
what pain forbear for hope unseen.
3.4 kilos at 9.11am
what dreams will he have?
what memories will he make?

goodbye, Benjamin McKay, sir.
hello, Benjamin Shearman Lian.

happiness. and sadness.
to everything there is a season.
a time for every purpose under heaven.

a life taken.

a life given.

to celebrate a life.

to celebrate life.