earthquake Unknown

God is our refuge and our strength

A very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear,

Even though the earth be removed,

And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

Though its waters roar and be troubled,

Though the mountains shake with its swelling.

Psalm 46:1-3

Dear Lord,

Two more earthquakes, Lord. What's happening? What are you telling us? Is it time?

forgive and forget Unknown

This proverb has been stuck in my mind everyday since I read it.  It says a lot about the extent of forgiveness and love. Who knew that I had to put it into practice.

Someone changed my birthday on Facebook last weekend. Many people got confused, for which I felt extremely bad, because there were many sincere wishes and even a call in the late hours of the night. Anyway, I was really mad at the person who did such a thing thoughtlessly, and because I didn't know who did it, ended up chastising publicly on Facebook. Anyway, the person who did the prank admitted it and apologized. I forgave the person. Now the hard part is what comes after.

Because it was such a public matter, a number of people asked me about it, and were equally curious as to  who the culprit was. I guess God was preparing me beforehand, for the verse shone like neon lights in my head. I made up my mind not to tell anyone who it was. But not before I told one person - just one person, I could say out of coercion, but I really should have been stronger. Immediately I regretted it and repented.

It really is a struggle to rise above the norm. My handling of this situation wasn't perfect. Yet God's still gracious in teaching me and forgiving me too. It was a little incident, this birthday thing, but the lesson learned is eternal.

So, if you did want to ask, I'll just say here that I'm not going to tell who the person is. That person already feels bad enough, I don't think it'd be love if I repeat the matter.

It's not just to forgive. It's to forgive and forget.

psalm 5:8 Unknown

Lord, since I have many enemies,

show me the right thing to do.

Show me clearly how you want me to live.

Perfect Timing Unknown

What an eventful start to the year. We've only entered the 23rd day of 2010 and already these much have happened:

• movie marathons (and many more to come)
  
• the 'Allah' controversy and attacks
• shocking death of an acquaintance, Sandra Wong, whom I wish I knew better
• earthquake in Haiti
• short holiday in the jungle with dogs and Taboo
  
• ridiculous fuel proposals
• Avatar hype
• Avatar linked to certain skyscrapers no more existing (everyone say "HUH?!")
  
• more feasting (I thought Christmas was over weeks ago?)
• more exercising (due to feasting)

 And here I was saying, "January is usually a quiet month for me." Right.

Yet in spite of the busyness, the past weeks have been weeks of waiting for me.  Waiting for God's direction for 2010. I have these plans in front of me, but cannot move because of certain things that simply enjoy in delays. It's about trusting God not only in His guidance, but timing.

God is never early. God is never late. He is always on time. The only thing is that He and I seem to have our clocks set in different time zones.  BUT... but but but the truth is God's clock is and always right. He is after all the Creator of time itself.

I came across a story of perfect timing in the Bible recently. There was this particular woman who trusted God. When a famine was to fall upon the land, Elisha, a prophet of God told her to leave and return only after the 7 years of famine have passed.

So the woman arose and did according to the saying of the man of God... It came to pass, at the end of seven years, that the woman returned... and she went to make an appeal to the king for her house and for her land.

No doubt the king would have been attending to a million and one things, and a woman's plea was probably down the list of urgency. But lo and behold, at that very moment, the king was listening to Gehazi, the servant of Elisha, recounting the "things Elisha has done."

Now it happened, as he was telling the king how he had restored the dead to life, that there was the woman whose son he had restored to life, appealing to the king for her house and for her land. And Gehazi said, "My lord, O king, this is the woman, and this is her son whom Elisha restored to life."


The woman returned home after 7 years, noticed the changes in scenery and people, and felt out of place and in need of security. Then God placed the right people in the right place at the right time. In she strolled into the king's court and bumped into Gehazi who was doing none other than talking about her. And because of that she had the favor of the king and regained her land and profit. Talk about perfect timing.

It is a short passage, this story. But it reassures me often that with God, there really is no need to worry. Because He really knows what He's doing.

So in spite of my natural anxiety, it's time for me to throw out my clock and attune myself to His ticking. 

Waiting to be Whole Unknown

Forgive me. For the past two weeks, I've been wrestling with words. 1,400 words, to be exact. It was so frustrating.


But there was once when words were not the biggest things I had to wrestle with. In my previous post I wrote about Hannah being honestly broken and shared a bit about my own brokenness. Well this week I shall continue where I left off.

Let's transport back in time to when Hannah was alive and at Shiloh. This is after her husband made his concern known.

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple. In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth.

Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine." "Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him." She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. (1 Samuel 1:9-18)

Look out the window
What knocks me out is Hannah's attitude. So many years of pain, so much tears shed, but when she prayed all changed. She refused to eat before. Now she ate something. Before she was down in the depths of depression. Now her face was "no longer downcast". What made the difference?

It wasn't really because she had finally 'gotten it out of her system', although that contributed in part. It was her trust in God. She still didn't know if He would give her a child, and a son at that. And it would be some nine months later before she could hold Samuel in her arms with certain joy. She didn't know all that yet.

All she knew was that God heard her and that was enough. In spite of her words, "If you would remember me," she never doubted His listening power. And she didn't walk around all antsy expecting an answer immediately. She was contented to wait. If there's anything her years of pain had taught her, it was patience.

As a general rule, humans cannot wait. We find it so hard to do nothing, have nothing. Our impatience is fed even more by this age of instant noodles. So when God tells us to wait, we become like children on a long journey. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? What a feat it will be to sit still and know that we will be there in due time, but meanwhile, why not look out the window and appreciate the view? Hannah did that.

Again I see how much of Hannah I am not. I had to wait, but I needed to learn to enjoy the view too.

Birthday wishes
You know of the tradition of birthday wishes. Last year, I had an unusual kind of wish. At that time, I didn't feel worthy to turn twenty. How can I claim to be an adult when I sure don't feel or act like one? So months before my birthday I told God,

"I am so not looking forward to my twentieth birthday. But it's inevitable. I want it to be different. I want it to be significant. So please, Lord, if you will... please make it special."

As my birthday approached, I dreaded it more and more. Yet I kept praying and wondered what God had up His sleeves. But sometimes I thought, "What if God does nothing? What am I to do then?" Sometimes became most of the time.

I needn't have worried. The day before my birthday was a Sunday. I was at a church along with 700+ others, but I didn't mind, glad to be lost in a sea of people. Then the pastor came onstage and said, "Today I'm going to start on a new series." As it happened, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I became excited, knowing this was planned by Him. At the end of the sermon, the pastor invited those in need of prayer to come forward. Immediately I did. There were many of us, so the pastor ministered from one to another briefly. Then he came to me. And stopped.

Suddenly he took the mike and started prophesying, "I don't know you. I've never met you before. But I feel God wants to tell you that He loves you." He went on, and every word he spoke meant something to me, closed every wound, took away every pain. As I stood there and listened, I could feel my heart being made whole... literally. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew God was taking the pieces and putting them back together. And the great part was that I couldn't see any cracks in it. The broken lines were no longer there. My heart was made whole again.

In my journal I wrote this:

The Spirit's presence was so, so strong. And you know, I felt so much stronger after that. For the first time after a long, long time, I could hope. Not the help-me-I'm-drowning hope. The I-can-do-all-things-through-Christ-who-strengthens-me hope.

How is it that God is so great, and yet He can be so intimate and personal with me, one out of billions of people?

Glued back together and better
I don't know what you would think of this. As I said before, I've not shared this with just anybody and wouldn't like to. But then I realized I couldn't say that I was broken and leave it at that. Where would the victory be?

This is truth: God makes whole whatever is broken. You can be sure of that. I guess deep down we all believe, or want to believe this.

But the challenge is when God doesn't answer immediately.

Will we shoot off a prayer to God, and then give up because He didn't answer after 'Amen' or not the way we wanted it to be? Or will we be like Hannah, leaving our anguish at the altar and walk away with hope, no matter what the answer may be?

Will we lift our hands up in frustration or in grateful expectancy?

As you wait on God, don't give up. When He does answer, it'll be better than you could ever imagine. Sit and eat, and let not your face be downcast, for He is faithful. And with that I close with a last excerpt from my journal.

I was desperate for an answer by my 20th birthday, and I got it. Jesus gave me the best birthday gift I can ever have. And it's mine to have forever.

Honestly Broken Unknown

1 Samuel 1:7, 8
So it was, year by year, when she went up to the house of the Lord, that she provoked her; therefore she wept and did not eat. Then Elkanah her husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep? Why do you not eat? And why is your heart grieved? Am I not better to you than ten sons?"

When I first read the verses above, I was annoyed at Hannah. How can she do that? Be right there in the house of the Lord and walk around all emo? Of course there's the ordeal, but does that give her a right to bring everyone down with her? Is that not selfish?

Then I noticed one of Elkanah's question.

"Why is your heart grieved?"

I looked up the word "grieved" and it means this:

"Broken up"

Hannah was not selfish. She was broken.


There's a maaajor difference between selfishness and brokenness. Selfishness is when you do things for the sake of gaining attention or things for yourself. Brokenness is when your whole being is completely shattered - your mind, your will, your emotions - that you simply have no strength to pretend.

Hannah was broken. She couldn't hide it. And now I understand her... because I was once broken.

A Million Pieces
I don't know how to explain last year. Sometimes I fear talking or thinking about it would transport me to then, and I don't want to go back. But I have to, I need to talk about it, if only to shine some light into Hannah's broken heart.

Waking up to the day was a nightmare. Meeting other humans was a torture. Showers were showers of tears. Music was no longer relaxing. Lying on the floor was better than on the bed. Darkness was better than the glaring lights. The future was a blank. Laughing was a slow exercise. Hugging my family members was avoided. Reversing out of the driveway was a pain because I developed a phobia of running over my pets even though I've checked under the car 3 times.

I was shattered.

Can you imagine how Hannah must have felt? I made a mistake - Hannah was most likely the first wife. So imagine the years of pain she went through, first trying to have children and failing, then having to let her beloved marry someone else, then watching Peninnah give birth to child after child while she still remained barren. She probably was fine at first, but as time went by, she must have been so broken, there was little left to hold her together. My ordeal must be so short compared to hers.

No Pretending
The difference between our brokenness is that Hannah was honest about it. I wasn't; I tried to hide it from those around me. I didn't let on just how much pain I was in. I am sure the paragraph above would shock quite a few people. Yes in spite of all that brokenness, I still had pride, although I would like to think that a reason for my concealment is that I don't like to see those I love be affected too. I knew I needed help, but I refused. They wouldn't quite understand anyway.

But Hannah... she was honest even though no one, not even her husband understood her. Her honesty disconcerts me. I have realized that I don't like people to see me as vulnerable. I think I must be strong and unmoved in trials. Not so with Hannah. She exposed her vulnerability, a form of humility I am only beginning to learn. It also requires some faith that no one would take advantage of her weakness. When will we learn, that sometimes it is okay to not be okay?

Honest before Him
The second and better part of her honesty was that she was honest in the house of the Lord. She was not afraid of showing herself, fractioned as she was, before God. Who would dare go to church today with an extremely sorrowful countenance? Aren't "church people" supposed to be happy? There are times when we just aren't.

Ah yes, the only Person I was completely honest with was God. Even then I didn't know how to express in words. I just knew that He knew, and that there is nothing I could hide from Him even if I tried to.

Maybe you're broken. I just want to say that it's okay to talk to God about it. You may feel unworthy to come into His presence. I did. I defined myself a failure. But it doesn't matter to God.

In fact, if there is any One who best understands your brokenness it's Jesus... because He was broken too. When He was hanging on the cross, His body broken, can you imagine how His heart was breaking when He thought of how the people He so dearly loved are the same ones who nailed Him on the cross?

And now here He is opening His arms to anyone who is broken too. The great thing about God is that He's always there. No matter how far away you want to run from Him or the situation, look beside you and you'd see that He's been running alongside you too.

A broken and a contrite heart -- These, O God, You will not despise. (Psalm 51:17)

Hannah's Tears Unknown

It was a blazing hot day. And it was crowded. She felt the weight of people pushing their way through, and choked on the swirling dust. Every year she dreaded coming to this place, the house of the Lord. But what is she to do? Duty and obedience require her presence.

"Wow! Look at you, you've grown so much in one year!"

Hannah awoke from her thoughts and looked at the source of the voice. It was a woman, and the woman was standing over a young boy beaming up at her. Another woman standing close by smiled proudly.

"Yeah, he has, hasn't he? And he's only 10."
"Ten! You look like a 12-year-old!"

More proud smiles. Then the first woman looked up and noticed Hannah. Hannah wanted to run.

"How are you, Hannah?"

The second woman, Peninnah, turned around, a smirk look already plastered on. Hannah focused on finding her voice.

"I'm..."
"Oh Hannah's doing just great." Peninnah answered for her. Hannah stared at her husband's other wife pleadingly. Please don't do this again.

"She's still got no kids you know. Sometimes I wonder why Elkanah married her. Actually, I think that every single day. If he wanted another wife, he could have gotten one that wasn't so useless as her."

Peninnah threw her head back and laughed as though she said the funniest thing in the world. The other woman kept silent. Then she came up to Hannah, held her hand, and smiled gently.

"Don't worry, Hannah. You're still young. The Lord will give you a child."

But Hannah didn't hear the words of comfort. She fought back the tears while anger and frustration welled up within. The yearly torture has begun.


When I decided to take Hannah up as my first study, I didn't know what to expect. She has only a cameo appearance in the Bible. But as I delved deeper into the verses, I found that there's so much to learn from this woman.

If you, my reader, are young, it's most probable that you won't understand what the big deal is about not having kids. Why does Hannah take it so seriously, like it's the end of the world?

The thing is, in her time, it was a big deal. If you have no children, you would be deemed a failure. Hannah was feeling the heat of social expectations. I bet every year someone she knew would be having a kid or two. And here she is, year after year, appearing at the biggest gathering ever... alone. And it sure didn't help that someone was constantly reminding her of the obvious fact.

I may not be facing 'children trouble', but I sure experience peer pressure. I'll be honest -- one of the issues I face is education. When I was homeschooled, people looked at me strangely. When I worked first instead of going to college, people looked at me strangely. Then when I say maybe I don't want to go to college, people would look at me strangely. And then when I say if I want to study, I want something that can be used to serve God, people would look at me strangely still! And when I say I'm not concerned about career, people would look at me... what's it again... strangely! Aiyoyo... enough with the strange looks please!

I constantly struggle over whether I should stand up to what I believe is God's plan for me, or simply nod my head and keep shut. Just like Hannah, I do not look forward to moments like these.

You know, girls, I think we have pressure coming from all sides. We have to be smart. We fret if our bottoms look big. We need to be capable at work. We can't be pushovers, yet we are frightening if we're too aggressive. We should be able to cook, clean, sew, and check on the black oil. After all that, we should have extra time for ministry. The list goes on.

Whether it's a relationship, studies, looks, career, or ministry, there's always something telling us it's not enough. One insight I have from today's passage is this -- Whatever century you're from, you can't run away from peer or social pressure.

What's the cause of your tears?